Doubts Of A Lover
by Summersetlights
Summary: Every night, after sharing time together, Eli always promises that he won't see her again. But, they both know that he'll always come back.


**_**Disclaimer: I don't own Degrassi.**_**

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><p><strong><em><strong>I.<strong>_**

Her name is Clare Edwards.

And she's everything to him.

She's the bright summer morning and the crisp Autumn leaves. She's in every breath of air that his lungs steal. She's that faint whisper he hears at night, that whispers everything that he's tried to ignore. But the whispers won't vanish, and they continue to pick and eat at everything he has worked for.

And he finds himself telling himself to not go to her on those late winter nights, when his heart is frozen over like the ground. He attempts to promise himself that the next day, he won't make love to her and hear her sharp breaths in his ear. He tries.

But Elijah Goldsworthy fails.

He goes to her every night and looks her in the eyes, whispering everything that he feels. And the girl smiles and kisses him, loving the fact that he's talking to her and is admitting his feelings for her. And he can always decipher from her eyes that she loves him like he loves her. He knows it when his body is flushed against hers. He knows it when their hips move together in a pulsing rhythm, that only they can match. And he knows it when he finds her eyes, hidden behind her sweaty hair. She's beautiful and he's shit. She's everything and he's nothing. She's the light and he's the dark shadow that will pull her down. He knows this and he wants to stay away from her, but on those cold nights, only the touch of her fingertips can spread a wave of warmth throughout his body. And while he doesn't want to admit it, he wants her warmth for forever. He wants her kisses for forever.

Fuck.

He just wants her for forever.

And when that thought swirls around his clouded mind, he knows that it's time to go. He always kisses her forehead, and fades back out the window, promising her that he'll never see her again.

But he knows that he'll be tapping on her window for many days to come.

**_**II.**_**

He takes her from behind and he traces a calloused finger down her spine, placing the feel of her skin to his memory. She's soft and warm, and she's trembling in front of him. Her moans and screams are piercing his heart with something that he fucking hates. Because she's so beautiful to him, you see. She's everything to him. And he pushes harder into her, taking his hate towards himself out on her. He feels tears drip down his chin and on her pale skin. And he watches as the girl looks behind her, her mouth open, and her eyes wide with concern.

But he just pushes harder, hearing those whispers. The whispers telling him that she's everything and he wants her for forever. And he just wants them to stop. Because...he doesn't want her. He...can't want her.

Oh, but he does.

And that's why when they both finish, he collapses on the bed and sobs. The pain ripping out of his weak chest. And that's what he feels like; weak. Because he's melting like an ice-cube when she pulls him to her. And when she kisses his forehead, he knows that he's home. He knows that he's home when her voice shakes out and she tells him that she loves him. And he knows that he's where he needs to be when a tear of her own slithers down her rosy cheeks.

And Elijah Goldsworthy wipes the tear away from her cheek with the tip of his finger. And he looks at her clear eyes and feels something rise within him. It's almost like hatred, but sweeter. Clare Edwards wasn't supposed to be in love with a fuck-up like him. No. She was just supposed to be something to corrupt. But things grew and blossomed.

"I hate you." He mutters, but lets out another sob and hugs her tighter to himself. And he continues to sob into her shoulder, and he doesn't know why he's crying. He doesn't understand, but he feels so very vulnerable with her.

"I love you, Eli. I really do." Her voice is like soft rose petals. And they paint a picture of hope inside Eli's dark insides.

And the voice starts to whisper to him, and he gets up, pulling on his clothes lazily and crawls out the window. And of course, he promises that he'll never talk to her again.

But Clare Edwards isn't stupid, and as he climbs out the window, he hears her mutter, "I'll see you tomorrow night."

And she will.

**_**III.**_**

Her breath is like sweet honey and it has him hooked. Oh, it has him hooked and he hates it. But he also loves it because he devours her mouth just to taste it, and she groans and moans beneath him and he's sure that he's never seen anything more beautiful.

He's more than sure.

And then she switches positions and she's on top. The smirk that she borrowed from him is placed spotlessly on her plump lips. And Elijah Goldsworthy watches her move over him, and he feels everything slip away. Her hands are gripping his chest and he grabs at everything that he can reach. It's only her and the way her head is pulled back. It's only her and her sweaty hair. God, it's only her and he's ready to admit it. He lets out a sharp cry, flips her over, and plants kiss after kiss on her soft body. And he lives for the way she whispers his name.

"I love you, I love you, I love you." He chants over and over again. And he continues to say it, because now, that's all he knows. He feels like a child that has just learned a new word. His new word is Clare Edwards and fuck, he loves her.

When she falls over the only safe edge he has her on, he rolls off of her and soon after, he hears a light snore coming from next to him. He glances over and Clare Edwards is on her side, facing him. She's peaceful and Eli absently tucks a piece of her hair behind her ear. And again, he feels the tears coming.

To stop the tears from continuing, Eli gets up and slowly walks to the end of the bed and grabs his black boxers. Once they were on, he grabs his lighter and pack of cigarettes. He slowly walks to the open window and sits out on the tilted roof. He lights a cigarette and the smoke flows out of his mouth carelessly. The cold air became stale on his once warm skin. The night is freezing the tears have drifted away from his eyes.

"Fuck." He whispers for no particular reason.

And the whisper floats back. The little voice that reminds him that he's a fuck-up and he shouldn't be with someone so beautiful. It's telling him that she's everything and he's not even the dirt on the ground. And it's telling him that he needs to love her from afar and leave her alone.

"Fuck." He whispers, but this time, he has a reason.

But, this time, he knows that life is shit without Clare Edwards. He knows that he wants to forever have his name on her pink lips and the sound of anything panting from her mouth. And he knows that she's...

She's everything.

And Elijah Goldsworthy tucks that voice away, snubs out his cigarette, and climbs back in the window.

He tumbles into the bed and slides next to Clare. The warmth greets him like an old friend. She arches towards him and a sigh escapes her perfect lips. His stomach turns as she grasps onto him in her sleep.

Tears make their way down his face. But this time, it's not because the whispers are haunting him.

It's because she's everything and he thinks that maybe, just maybe, so is he.

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><p><strong><em>;) A review would be lovely.<em>**

**_...I was thinking, will anyone truly read eclare? I mean, if not, I'll probably finish up my stories and stop._**


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